2010...almost over!

This year has been a roller coaster for my husband and I. Through infertility, being diagnosed with severe endo, my husband traveling with his job, baby showers, new nephews, surgery, Lupron, and everything else. We survived. Thank goodness. We couldn't have made it through without each other and our prayers and faith.

So what am I looking forward to in 2011? *Hopefully* getting pregnant and having a child! If that's the only good thing that happened to me all year I would be pleased as punch. I would rather have that than anything else. So it's not really a resolution, since well, it's not entirely up to me. But I plan on changing my eating habits a bit, and doing some other things to help our odds. I really really want this year to be "our year". So we'll see.

We're having a little get together at our house tonight with our friends, so we can ring in the new year right!

Happy new Year everyone!

How do I let go and let God?

This past year has been one heck of a roller coaster ride for my husband and I. We have went through a lot of struggles, mostly dealing with infertility. So this is my first cycle after getting off the Lupron and birth control and after having my HSG test done earlier this month. I told myself I would test this morning because today is the first day I would be able to get a positive. I've been feeling for a while now like I was about to start, but I thought hey the symptoms are kind of the same so why not? Well of course, it was negative. I just had it all figured out in my mind that it would've been the perfect Christmas for my husband and I if I found out I was pregnant today, what a blessing it would be. But then I wasn't. And part of me blames myself because I feel like I set myself up to feel this way. I just thought that the timing of everything lined up perfectly so I had to be pregnant. Wrong. Then I thought to myself, if I'm not supposed to get pregnant right now, I won't, right?

I have a hard time with that statement. Because I see so many teen girls and women who are addicted to substances or have other problems getting pregnant all the time. And I have to ask myself, how can someone who can't even drive a car get pregnant, but I can't? How can someone who is addicted to meth get pregnant, but I can't?

And I realize this might be a little dramatic since it's only the first month we've been able to "try" but it still hurts. It still bothers me. So I read a post from another blogger (Hi SIF!) today, and it seems as though we're in the same place with our thoughts. Trying to figure out, how do we just live our life and have fun and accept what we have been given so far? How do I let go and let God? I can't figure it out. I feel like all I can think about is having a baby, or what I can do to increase my chances, what I should eat, drink, etc... So how on earth do I fix this? How do I get back to just enjoying my life and living it without worrying about the baby thing? I have no idea where to even start. But I know I need to get there, and soon because I can't keep setting myself up like this. And my poor husband needs it too, so we can have a normal relationship and have fun and enjoy each other again.

I just want my life back. My happy, less worry filled life.

2010 Christmas Card

I used Shutterfly this year, and my poor husband, his head is always a little cut off because he is so much taller than us! I'm really pleased with how they turned out! I love love love Shutterfly!! Hopefully next year we will have a new family member to add in the picture! Happy Holidays everyone!!!

It's been a while...

oh my goodness! Hello world! It has been so long since I have posted or been involved with anything "blogger". It has been a really difficult 6 months for my husband and I, so I decided I needed to focus on everything in my real life! But now I am back in business! =) So what exactly have we been up to? Let me tell you.

- I finished my Lupron shots, started birth control, got off birth control, had an HSG test yesterday and got the go ahead to make babies. I am ecstatic and oh so excited!!!!! Hopefully I can share good news soon! Thoughts and prayers are appreciated! =)

- My step son started first grade...so.sad. He will be driving before we know it. I love that little guy to the moon and back. He's an angel. Speaking of him though, his mom is about five months pregnant. That was really really difficult for me because I thought I could at least be the first one to give him a sibling, but God has other plans so we're just praying and going with the "flow"

- My husband and I finally seem to be one the same page about all things life. Finances, houses, cars, children, faith, friends, you name it and we are finally on the same page with each other! You would think after almost seven years of being together we would have this down already...but hey better late than never!

As far as everything else goes, we have just been overwhelmed with my hormones and the crazy emotions of infertility! I really hope we are finished with that journey but only time will tell! I'm so glad to be blogging again, I have missed it so much! The support from everyone and getting all of these feelings out is such a stress reliever! So glad to be back! =)

Lupron

Good morning everyone! Just wanted to give an update on my infertility status. It's getting harder I feel. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel...but then I think, well what if the Lupron doesn't work? What if I still can't get pregnant? What if i have to do In-Vitro? I can't afford that. What if we adopt? How long will it take? Will I ever be a Mommy? I find myself being sad alot more lately. And I am not sure if it's the Lupron or if it's because my husband has been out of town, or if it's because I am just having all these negative thoughts. I really want to gt through this journey, I am just praying that in the end I will have a baby. That is really the only result I want out of this. It's just so difficult because there is no way to be sure. I have been praying, but we need to get back at church. I feel like we can't go through all of this alone. I explained to my nurse yesterday (got my third shot - I'm halfway through!) how I have been feeling and she explained they normally put people on a low dose Zoloft in this situation. Really? Another drug? Would it be worth it to be on another drug or should I just tough it out? These are the questions racing through my mind that seem to have no good answer!

Another thing I think that is making this a little more difficult for me is the fact that I see my step son so much. I mean I love him, and I am glad we have him 50% of the time, but it is very hard for me to watch him grow up and say all these funny little things and do well at things, but at the end of the day someone else is Mommy. I have very much respect for his mom, and I am glad she is a good mom, in no way do I want to take that from her. I just wish I had it too. And I know jealousy is wrong, but sometimes I can't help it when it comes to this.

So I guess the update is that I'm feeling a little down about everything right now. I'm trying to stay positive but it is proving to be difficult as the weeks and months go by.

Thank you for stopping by my pity party, I'm glad you could make it! =) But in all seriousness (word?) Thanks for listening, I promise for some more upbeat posts in the near future, I just needed to get all of this off my chest!

Making Sacrifices

I have been feeling alot lately that I have been making alot of sacrifices in order to get my life the way I (we) want it to be. Little did I know what was in store for us.

My husband's job has started sending him out of town every to every other week. They said it will be like this for the next three years. First of all. I am going through menopause to have a baby, but if he is never home how will we make a baby? Second of all, even if we did make a baby..he would never be there to help and he would miss out on all the "firsts". Third of all, he already has one son, who we have joint custody of...so he will be missing out alot with him too. He's only five so he still has alot of growing up to do and he needs his Daddy. Fourth of all (if that even makes any sense) he is trying to get through school, which is pretty much impossible when a person is never home. Especially pharmacy school.

So what?...you ask. Because people live like this all the time right? Well maybe they do...but I am not someone who can live like that. And neither is my husband. It's only the first week and we're both miserable. We are literally soul mates and need each other. We're not the type of people who feel okay with never seeing each other. That may work for some people, just not for us. (and I am not saying that the people it works for aren't soul mates so please don't even go there k?)

So here is the game plan. For today. We are selling our house. Yes our house. The first one we ever bought together. The one we completely renovated inside and out. The one I am in love with. But, if it means my husband being able to be home, it will be worth it. So...selling the house, getting an apartment, and husband is going to get a less demanding job so that he can focus on school and being home. We found some apartments that are very nice and affordable for us, and will even have room for us to have one more member to our family =) I feel like in order for our future to be what we want it to be, we need to make some sacrifices, and I have been praying alot and I feel like this is the right decision. It's all part of God's plan. And we're still very young so we have plenty of time to live the "American Dream" so to speak.

So your prayers are really appreciated during this time, while we embark on this new journey. And prayers for a speedy house sale!

I know I said I would blog more, but with all this going on it's making it hard on me..but I am going to try I promise!!

Hope everyone is having a great week!! =)

Meet My New Nephew

Please allow me to introduce you to Tristyn David. He stole a piece of my heart last night at 7:32pm. He weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and is 22 inches long.