Friday, June 11, 2010


Good morning everyone! Just wanted to give an update on my infertility status. It's getting harder I feel. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel...but then I think, well what if the Lupron doesn't work? What if I still can't get pregnant? What if i have to do In-Vitro? I can't afford that. What if we adopt? How long will it take? Will I ever be a Mommy? I find myself being sad alot more lately. And I am not sure if it's the Lupron or if it's because my husband has been out of town, or if it's because I am just having all these negative thoughts. I really want to gt through this journey, I am just praying that in the end I will have a baby. That is really the only result I want out of this. It's just so difficult because there is no way to be sure. I have been praying, but we need to get back at church. I feel like we can't go through all of this alone. I explained to my nurse yesterday (got my third shot - I'm halfway through!) how I have been feeling and she explained they normally put people on a low dose Zoloft in this situation. Really? Another drug? Would it be worth it to be on another drug or should I just tough it out? These are the questions racing through my mind that seem to have no good answer!

Another thing I think that is making this a little more difficult for me is the fact that I see my step son so much. I mean I love him, and I am glad we have him 50% of the time, but it is very hard for me to watch him grow up and say all these funny little things and do well at things, but at the end of the day someone else is Mommy. I have very much respect for his mom, and I am glad she is a good mom, in no way do I want to take that from her. I just wish I had it too. And I know jealousy is wrong, but sometimes I can't help it when it comes to this.

So I guess the update is that I'm feeling a little down about everything right now. I'm trying to stay positive but it is proving to be difficult as the weeks and months go by.

Thank you for stopping by my pity party, I'm glad you could make it! =) But in all seriousness (word?) Thanks for listening, I promise for some more upbeat posts in the near future, I just needed to get all of this off my chest!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Making Sacrifices

I have been feeling alot lately that I have been making alot of sacrifices in order to get my life the way I (we) want it to be. Little did I know what was in store for us.

My husband's job has started sending him out of town every to every other week. They said it will be like this for the next three years. First of all. I am going through menopause to have a baby, but if he is never home how will we make a baby? Second of all, even if we did make a baby..he would never be there to help and he would miss out on all the "firsts". Third of all, he already has one son, who we have joint custody he will be missing out alot with him too. He's only five so he still has alot of growing up to do and he needs his Daddy. Fourth of all (if that even makes any sense) he is trying to get through school, which is pretty much impossible when a person is never home. Especially pharmacy school.

So what? ask. Because people live like this all the time right? Well maybe they do...but I am not someone who can live like that. And neither is my husband. It's only the first week and we're both miserable. We are literally soul mates and need each other. We're not the type of people who feel okay with never seeing each other. That may work for some people, just not for us. (and I am not saying that the people it works for aren't soul mates so please don't even go there k?)

So here is the game plan. For today. We are selling our house. Yes our house. The first one we ever bought together. The one we completely renovated inside and out. The one I am in love with. But, if it means my husband being able to be home, it will be worth it. So...selling the house, getting an apartment, and husband is going to get a less demanding job so that he can focus on school and being home. We found some apartments that are very nice and affordable for us, and will even have room for us to have one more member to our family =) I feel like in order for our future to be what we want it to be, we need to make some sacrifices, and I have been praying alot and I feel like this is the right decision. It's all part of God's plan. And we're still very young so we have plenty of time to live the "American Dream" so to speak.

So your prayers are really appreciated during this time, while we embark on this new journey. And prayers for a speedy house sale!

I know I said I would blog more, but with all this going on it's making it hard on me..but I am going to try I promise!!

Hope everyone is having a great week!! =)