Friday, February 26, 2010

I just don't get it.

Have you ever had that feeling that you were meant to do something? Like you could do it and be great at it? Well...that is how I feel about being a mom. I have been around children my entire life, worked in daycares, lived in an in home daycare after my parents divorced. I am great with my step son and my nephews. So what the heck gives?

In case this hasn't crossed your mind yet, I got my monthly visitor. Yes, the evil witch has shown. I strongly dislike her and wish she would just go away for about nine months.

But really. I do not understand. Last Saturday we went to my nephew's birthday party. He's turning four, so we took my step son as well. We got there and they immediately ran off to play of course, then someone handed me my other four month old nephew. His dad handed him to me actually, because he was getting fussy. So, I make him a bottle, feed him, burp him, and he's alseep on my chest for the rest of the party. At one point I looked up and my husband was just staring at me. And I could tell what he was thinking. He was thinking the same thing I was. That I would be a good mom and he loved the sight of seeing a baby in my arms. Ugh. I just wanted to say see I am good at it, I can do it! Throughout the party I could feel the emotions coming. But I held them back and told myself it was wrong to be jealous. So I tried to not be jealous.

But I was. When we left, we took my step son to his Mommy, who he hadn't seen in the past couple days because he had been with us. He was happy to see her. She hugged him, and he hugged back. And they missed each other. And the emotions were back. And my husband knew it.

So with a sad look on my face he asked what was wrong. And I said nothing. And he said it's because we were at that birthday party with all those kids huh. And I said yes and that I didn't want to be jealous or sad but that I was, and sometimes you just can't help how you feel. And he said it's okay I understand. And I started crying and said no you don't understand, you already have a child, you don't want it the same way I do. And I started a fight. Not a bad one, just one that seems to come up alot. No worries...we're okay now. =)
But why do I let this happen? It's like the idea of getting pregnant and having a baby have taken over my entire life. I never wanted it to be this way. Ever. But for whatever reason it doesn't change. Is it my fault? Is it just because I haven't went to the Dr? Do I just not deserve a child? I don't know the answer.
Did you have these questions? And what was you're answer? How far did you take it?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My Infertility Story...So far

I have a lot of "so far's" don't I?

Beware: I share a lot of information in this post. Some readers may view it as TMI....So read at your own risk!

Anyways. My husband and I have been "trying" for about two years, but having unprotected sex for four years. And he has a son, so at one point he was capable of producing children. SO here we are, on this journey, struggling to figure things out. I have never had an abnormal pap, never any problems or anything. I started Birth Control when I was 15 until I was 18 (right before we got married). My cycles are regular 27-28 day cycles, OPK's give me a little + every month. So what gives? Heck if I know.

I got frustrated and went to the Dr back in October. They attempted to do an HSG test. So I go in, hopes high, and they can't do the test. They tried, but apparently (here comes the TMI) my cervix is too small to even to the test! Sooo....they said oh no worries we'll just do it next month! It's not like I had my hopes up, that they would do this test, and my tube would be blocked, the test would unblock it, and I would get pregnant and have a baby right? Yeah so after this discouraging trip to the Dr I decided I quit! I decided hey people always say "just don't think about it, it will happen", well these are all people who a) already have kids or b) don't care if they ever have kids. Because let me tell you, once you "try" to have a baby, you can't get it out of your head until you have a baby. So I've been "not worrying", and "not thinking about it" but guess where that got me? Yep you're right...nowhere.

So now I will keep "not worrying" until the summer. Then when summer comes, we are going to go to the Dr's....full on. Until I have a baby and give birth! I am determined for this to happen. I know I have it in me to be a good mom, I just need to become a mom to prove that. So come follow me on this infertile journey of mine...

Have you ever struggles with infertility? What did you do that finally helped you get pregnant? tell....I'm willing to try anything

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Most Defining Moment...So far.....

Well, this defining moment has been the one to change me the most. And I remember this one! It was when I met my husband, the second time. I never thought at 16, I would find the love of my life, become a "step-mom", and fall head over heals for the man (boy at the time) of my dreams. But God had plans for me. Big plans.
So there it was, I saw him, our eyes met, and we fell in love. And we lived happily ever after, right? Well yeah, eventually.
See, when we started dating, his ex-girlfriend was still pregnant with my step son. So you can imagine at 16 and 17 how well all of us were dealing the situation. She hated me and well, let's face it, the feeling was mutual. I mean come on...I could lie and say I wasn't jealous and didn't feel every other negative emotion towards her...but I don't lie.
So about a month after we had been dating and LOTS of drama later, I decided, scratch this idea. So i tried to break up with him. And I did. For like a day. He was really angry and told me some things he had never told anyone before, and that he had never felt the way he felt about me. And I told him I was scared. I didn't know how to deal with a child, a baby mama(hehe), or anything else that seemed to come up. But he wouldn't let me give up. He had a faith in me that no one ever had before, no one.
So we stuck it out for the long run, we will have been together for 6 years in July, my step son will be five in August, and we'll be married 4 years in November.
See, meeting him the second time is truly what made me who I am today. I believe in myself. I am the best step-mom I can be. I'm a great wife. I understand every side of him. Good or bad side, I love him no matter what. He has brought me closer to God. He has taught me that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. He helped me change, for the better.He helped me become the woman I so badly wanted to be, but without him, I never would be who I am today.

And for that, I am forever grateful.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Defining Moments...Take Two

The second defining moment of my life happened when I was about two (yes, another defining moment that I don't remember). Remember when I was a baby and I had spinal meningitis? And other baby things come up? Well it just so happens that my mom was doing it all by herself. My "dad" decided he didn't want to own up to what he had done, so at 19 my mom was raising me all alone, spinal meningitis and all.

But when I was about two my mom had been dating this guy for a while, and he loved me. And it just so happens that I loved him (and I still do). He always tells me that he remembers "falling in love with my big green eyes".

After my mom moved in with him, they decided to make us an official family. He adopted me. This twenty two year old guy, who probably wasn't planning on having kids for a while, adopted me. Me. So my "biological father" gave up his rights. (Note: he has five other kids that he did not give his rights up to) So it was official. I had a Daddy. And I loved him. And he was my best friend.

Without this man, I wouldn't be who I am today. It's amazing how I have none of his genes, yet I am just like him in so many ways. He taught me how to go fishing, what good music was, that I wasn't always right, that things wouldn't always go my way. That boys were bad news. You know, things all Dad's teach their daughters.

So to this day, I still have a Dad. And I love him very much. And I am ever so grateful that he adopted me. And loved me the way I deserved my Dad to love me.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Defining Moments

How many defining moments do you have in your life? I believe I have more than one. So for the next few days I am going to share them with you. Day by day. I am going to start with the moment that started when I was young, and work my way up. So...

Moment 1: (or 21 days..keep reading)
When I was 7 months old, I was really sick. At first, it was an ear infection. No biggie right? A lot of babies get ear infections...well WRONG. It was indeed NOT an ear infection. After running a high fever and crying my eyes out (as my mom says...because let's face it I don't remember this but it's important) my mom rushed me to the ER. Not much later, the Dr came and told my mom the problem.
I had spinal meningitis. At 7 months old, I had just started getting hair. The last time my mom saw me, I had hair. The next time she saw me I was in an incubator with a shaved head that had IV's coming out of it. Fast forward about two weeks. I had been in the hospital all this time, and my mom was unable to hold me, or even touch me. They finally let her rock me in the rocking chair in my nursery away from my nursery. As she rocked me, I started to scream, she looked down and blood was everywhere. She had accidentally pulled the IV out of my head. It turned out to be okay, I was fine (well not fine but you know). They had told my mom that meningitis can cause many many health problems, and that most babies didn't survive it. It could cause blindness. It could cause one to go deaf. But I made it through all of these. I lived.
I went home from the hospital and all was fine. Of course I was a sickly child because the antibiotics they had to give me destroyed what little immune system I had. But I lived.
I know it's hard to think about a defining moment (or 21 days) that you don't even remember. But when I hear my mom tell this story it gives me goosebumps. And it helped me realize something when I thought about writing this post. I came out fighting.
From the beginning my life was and is a challenging battle. But it is a battle that I refuse to give up on. One day when the war is over and my battles have been lost, at least I will know I went out fighting too.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Couldn't have said it better myself....

For those of you who read, MckMama's husband has started blogging himself! His post today was wonderful ( I mean who doesn't want to hear about how much a man loves his wife?) But at the end of his post, he put in a Bible verse that hit home with me today....

1 Peter 3:2-5...
when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.

When I read this, I had to stop and think about it for a moment (or two). So many of us women (and some men) get up everyday, dressed our best, make up our face, put on our jewelry and feel stunning as we leave for our day. But I know from my perspective, if I were to get up get out of bed, shower, get dressed (no fancy/expensive clothes), no make up and walk out the door, I would not feel the same about myself as if I did on a normal get up and get ready day. But how I am on the inside never changed. So what gives?

Maybe because we as humans rely on flattery from others to boost our confidence sometimes. Or maybe that's just me. But I like it better when I go to work and someone says "Oh you look so cute today" much better than I like it when someone says "wow you look tired". Okay thanks why didn't you just say I look horrible today buddy? I am challenging myself to rely only on what I think about myself. And what God and my husband thinks. I need to remember it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, as long as I know I am beautiful on the inside, then nothing else should matter. So next time I see a cute shirt, or purse, or anything material, I am going to ask myself....Do I want this so other people will compliment it or do I want it because I like it. And if I like it, I just might purchase it, But if it is something that I don't need or that maybe I don't like but I know my friends or co-workers will...I'm going to put it back!

Just remember ladies...we are women of God, and we are all beautiful in many ways. Don't let material things, or the way the world can be sometimes to overwhelm you. I often think if I have a nice car, nice house, nice clothes, then people will think better of me, or something. But at the end of the day, I lay in bed with the same man, and pray to the same God, regardless of where I am or what I have on. And in the end, those are the opinions that mean the most.

Sarah Y

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Work for a living or Living for work?

I always imagined I would finish High School go to college while living at home, get my degree and a steady career, then get married and have kids. Somewhere along the way that all changed. Maybe it was because I suddenly wasn't comfortable living in my home with my parents, or maybe because I ran into the man of my dreams, or maybe I just had no idea what life was going to throw at me. So here I am, four years after graduating high school. I am married, a stepmom, working full time, and going to school. My Husband and I work to afford our home that we enjoy so much together. But juggling everything is difficult. I want a baby desperatley, but sometimes I question myself, could I handle one more thing? But then I think, people do it all the time. And who is to say that when I have a child of my own that I will care about getting a degree? The more I think about it, the more I would like to be a stay home mom, running five kids to school everyday and things of the like. But I have to be a mom to do that. And stay home. So right now I just work and go to school and everything else to keep my mind occupied. Thinking too much, is just as bad as not thinking at all, I think. So what do you do? Do you go to school or work or have kids? Or all of the above? How have your views on life changed as you have gotten older and gotten married and had children? Mine have change alot, and continue to change everyday. But how do you know what's right? Do you just "feel" it, or go with the flow? Or do you make it happen?

Friday, February 12, 2010

My Little Life
Questions for Friday 2/12/10

1. What is the one thing your love does for you that you can't live without?
He gives the most wonderful massages, and always knows how to brighten my days =)

2. When did you know your love was "the one"?
The moment I saw him walk out the door at the movie theater...If you don't know what I am talking about...refer to the posts below! =)

3. Does your love have a special ringtone on your cell?
Of course, "My Only One" by Yellowcard

4. What are you attracted to most in your special someone?
His smile and his eyes, and of course his big muscles =)

5. Did you know when/where he/she was going to pop the big question?
I had no idea, I was shocked, but HAPPY!!!!
Happy Friday everyone!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Time to.....

Meet my family!
I figured once you start reading, you will want to put a face to the name of everyone I mention! So here are the three people you will hear about most!...
The handsom man on the very left is the man of my dreams, my husband Cameron. The little guy in the middle is Colton, my step son, and then on the right is me, Sarah.

The three of us make a pretty great family, and we all work well together if I do say so myself! My husband and I (and Colton at this point) cannot wait to add a fourth person to our family, but all in good time it will happen! was nice meeting everyone and I can't wait to meet your families! This is one of my favorite family pictures, because it is very "us". Do you have favorite family pictures? If so, share! Happy photo finding!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

More on That Later..Remember?

Remember in my first post when I said I will tell you more on that later? Well guess's later!

When I was 12, my world revolved around the skating rink. Friday nights were the highlight of my life. Jam skates, couple skates, you name it, I loved it. If I didn't get to go...due to being grounded or something of that nature, trust me it was the end of the world.
One particular Friday night, a group of boys showed up that had never been there before. They were from the city 20 minutes aways from the small town I lived in. He was cute. And funny. And nice. And wonderful. And I had a boyfriend. Of course, at 12 my boyfriend and I weren't serious...after all the most serious we were was a couple skate of course. But I was not willing to break up with him to see how good this new guy could couple skate. So instead, I gave new guy my phone number. I thought I would see how this went. So we talked on the phone, probably more than I talked to my boyfriend at the time. He kept telling me to be his girlfriend, but I refused! Eventually, the calls came and went less and less. And we just stopped talking.
I didn't really think about him much, every once in a while I heard his name and thought hmm wonder how he is but never acted on it.

Fast forward four years. I was 16, and driving. Since I was driving, I was job hunting! My small town had nothing to offer as far as jobs go, so I drove to the city 20 minutes away. I applied at what seemed like a million places, but none of them called. About a week later I get a call from the movie theater. They wanted to set up an interview. I was ecstatic. It was going to be my first interview and I couldn't wait. The day of my interview I got all dressed up and showed up to the movie theater 15 minutes early. The girl got on her walky talky and said "Cameron can you come get Sarah and take her upstairs for her interview". I thought nothing about it. Out steps the most handsome boy I have ever seen. He is tall, muscular and has long shaggy blonde hair. OMG it's him...the boy from the skating rink that I would never go out with...why was I so dumb? We met each other's eyes but not a word was said. I ended up getting the job, and we would pass by each other when working, but neither of us had said anything yet. So one night, standing at the ice machine, filling a bucket of ice, he offers to help as he walks by. Of course I need help, I need a strong handsome guy to lift this thing! So I say "do you remember me" and he says "yes" and that was it.

We started talking, then started dating. It was perfect. I loved him. He loved me. We were wonderful together and couldn't get enough of each other. Two years later, my senior year in high school, he took me to a local church that displays Christmas lights. It was a cold night and we got to the lit up bridge, it was beautiful. He hugged me and said he loved me and I said I loved him and he asked if I would love him forever, and I said yes. So he got down on his knee, in front of everyone and asked me to marry him. I said Yes again.
This boy that I refused to couple skate with had turned into the man of my dreams.

Almost four years later we are married and wanting to start out own family.

It was fate.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

My First Post

Hello! In writing this post, I am unsure as I type what it might be about. Through this blog I plan to share my story of life with you. I have been told many times, the stories of my life could be written in a book. Sometimes, the way things work out, makes me feel like it is a book. I got married when I was 18, my step son was born when I was 17. At 17 I wasn't ready to be a step mom but I did what I thought was right at the time, and 5 years later I am so happy I did! My husband and I got married November 1, 2006. That was the third best day of my life! The first best day was meeting him of course, the second best day was running into him again on a whim 4 years later (more on that later) and then of course the day we got married changed our lives forever. Things haven't been perfect in my life, far from it actually but I can't wait to share my story with you! My title is Everyone's Sarah for a reason, to my husband, I am Sarah. To my step son, I am Sarah. To my parents and siblings, I am Sarah. The one name I cannot wait to be called is Mommy! My husband and I have been trying to have a baby of our own for about two years now. I love him more than anything, and want nothing more than to have a family with him. It is just not God's will for that to happen. We are being patient and trying our hardest not to stress about...but that isn't as easy as it sounds! I really hope you will follow this blog, I think you will find my life very interesting and I cannot wait to get your input about the struggles in my life, infertility, struggles in your life, parenting, working, and going to school. So please, follow me, give your advice, your criticism, and love! I cannot wait to get this started!