2010...almost over!

This year has been a roller coaster for my husband and I. Through infertility, being diagnosed with severe endo, my husband traveling with his job, baby showers, new nephews, surgery, Lupron, and everything else. We survived. Thank goodness. We couldn't have made it through without each other and our prayers and faith.

So what am I looking forward to in 2011? *Hopefully* getting pregnant and having a child! If that's the only good thing that happened to me all year I would be pleased as punch. I would rather have that than anything else. So it's not really a resolution, since well, it's not entirely up to me. But I plan on changing my eating habits a bit, and doing some other things to help our odds. I really really want this year to be "our year". So we'll see.

We're having a little get together at our house tonight with our friends, so we can ring in the new year right!

Happy new Year everyone!

How do I let go and let God?

This past year has been one heck of a roller coaster ride for my husband and I. We have went through a lot of struggles, mostly dealing with infertility. So this is my first cycle after getting off the Lupron and birth control and after having my HSG test done earlier this month. I told myself I would test this morning because today is the first day I would be able to get a positive. I've been feeling for a while now like I was about to start, but I thought hey the symptoms are kind of the same so why not? Well of course, it was negative. I just had it all figured out in my mind that it would've been the perfect Christmas for my husband and I if I found out I was pregnant today, what a blessing it would be. But then I wasn't. And part of me blames myself because I feel like I set myself up to feel this way. I just thought that the timing of everything lined up perfectly so I had to be pregnant. Wrong. Then I thought to myself, if I'm not supposed to get pregnant right now, I won't, right?

I have a hard time with that statement. Because I see so many teen girls and women who are addicted to substances or have other problems getting pregnant all the time. And I have to ask myself, how can someone who can't even drive a car get pregnant, but I can't? How can someone who is addicted to meth get pregnant, but I can't?

And I realize this might be a little dramatic since it's only the first month we've been able to "try" but it still hurts. It still bothers me. So I read a post from another blogger (Hi SIF!) today, and it seems as though we're in the same place with our thoughts. Trying to figure out, how do we just live our life and have fun and accept what we have been given so far? How do I let go and let God? I can't figure it out. I feel like all I can think about is having a baby, or what I can do to increase my chances, what I should eat, drink, etc... So how on earth do I fix this? How do I get back to just enjoying my life and living it without worrying about the baby thing? I have no idea where to even start. But I know I need to get there, and soon because I can't keep setting myself up like this. And my poor husband needs it too, so we can have a normal relationship and have fun and enjoy each other again.

I just want my life back. My happy, less worry filled life.

2010 Christmas Card

I used Shutterfly this year, and my poor husband, his head is always a little cut off because he is so much taller than us! I'm really pleased with how they turned out! I love love love Shutterfly!! Hopefully next year we will have a new family member to add in the picture! Happy Holidays everyone!!!

It's been a while...

oh my goodness! Hello world! It has been so long since I have posted or been involved with anything "blogger". It has been a really difficult 6 months for my husband and I, so I decided I needed to focus on everything in my real life! But now I am back in business! =) So what exactly have we been up to? Let me tell you.

- I finished my Lupron shots, started birth control, got off birth control, had an HSG test yesterday and got the go ahead to make babies. I am ecstatic and oh so excited!!!!! Hopefully I can share good news soon! Thoughts and prayers are appreciated! =)

- My step son started first grade...so.sad. He will be driving before we know it. I love that little guy to the moon and back. He's an angel. Speaking of him though, his mom is about five months pregnant. That was really really difficult for me because I thought I could at least be the first one to give him a sibling, but God has other plans so we're just praying and going with the "flow"

- My husband and I finally seem to be one the same page about all things life. Finances, houses, cars, children, faith, friends, you name it and we are finally on the same page with each other! You would think after almost seven years of being together we would have this down already...but hey better late than never!

As far as everything else goes, we have just been overwhelmed with my hormones and the crazy emotions of infertility! I really hope we are finished with that journey but only time will tell! I'm so glad to be blogging again, I have missed it so much! The support from everyone and getting all of these feelings out is such a stress reliever! So glad to be back! =)

Lupron

Good morning everyone! Just wanted to give an update on my infertility status. It's getting harder I feel. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel...but then I think, well what if the Lupron doesn't work? What if I still can't get pregnant? What if i have to do In-Vitro? I can't afford that. What if we adopt? How long will it take? Will I ever be a Mommy? I find myself being sad alot more lately. And I am not sure if it's the Lupron or if it's because my husband has been out of town, or if it's because I am just having all these negative thoughts. I really want to gt through this journey, I am just praying that in the end I will have a baby. That is really the only result I want out of this. It's just so difficult because there is no way to be sure. I have been praying, but we need to get back at church. I feel like we can't go through all of this alone. I explained to my nurse yesterday (got my third shot - I'm halfway through!) how I have been feeling and she explained they normally put people on a low dose Zoloft in this situation. Really? Another drug? Would it be worth it to be on another drug or should I just tough it out? These are the questions racing through my mind that seem to have no good answer!

Another thing I think that is making this a little more difficult for me is the fact that I see my step son so much. I mean I love him, and I am glad we have him 50% of the time, but it is very hard for me to watch him grow up and say all these funny little things and do well at things, but at the end of the day someone else is Mommy. I have very much respect for his mom, and I am glad she is a good mom, in no way do I want to take that from her. I just wish I had it too. And I know jealousy is wrong, but sometimes I can't help it when it comes to this.

So I guess the update is that I'm feeling a little down about everything right now. I'm trying to stay positive but it is proving to be difficult as the weeks and months go by.

Thank you for stopping by my pity party, I'm glad you could make it! =) But in all seriousness (word?) Thanks for listening, I promise for some more upbeat posts in the near future, I just needed to get all of this off my chest!

Making Sacrifices

I have been feeling alot lately that I have been making alot of sacrifices in order to get my life the way I (we) want it to be. Little did I know what was in store for us.

My husband's job has started sending him out of town every to every other week. They said it will be like this for the next three years. First of all. I am going through menopause to have a baby, but if he is never home how will we make a baby? Second of all, even if we did make a baby..he would never be there to help and he would miss out on all the "firsts". Third of all, he already has one son, who we have joint custody of...so he will be missing out alot with him too. He's only five so he still has alot of growing up to do and he needs his Daddy. Fourth of all (if that even makes any sense) he is trying to get through school, which is pretty much impossible when a person is never home. Especially pharmacy school.

So what?...you ask. Because people live like this all the time right? Well maybe they do...but I am not someone who can live like that. And neither is my husband. It's only the first week and we're both miserable. We are literally soul mates and need each other. We're not the type of people who feel okay with never seeing each other. That may work for some people, just not for us. (and I am not saying that the people it works for aren't soul mates so please don't even go there k?)

So here is the game plan. For today. We are selling our house. Yes our house. The first one we ever bought together. The one we completely renovated inside and out. The one I am in love with. But, if it means my husband being able to be home, it will be worth it. So...selling the house, getting an apartment, and husband is going to get a less demanding job so that he can focus on school and being home. We found some apartments that are very nice and affordable for us, and will even have room for us to have one more member to our family =) I feel like in order for our future to be what we want it to be, we need to make some sacrifices, and I have been praying alot and I feel like this is the right decision. It's all part of God's plan. And we're still very young so we have plenty of time to live the "American Dream" so to speak.

So your prayers are really appreciated during this time, while we embark on this new journey. And prayers for a speedy house sale!

I know I said I would blog more, but with all this going on it's making it hard on me..but I am going to try I promise!!

Hope everyone is having a great week!! =)

Meet My New Nephew

Please allow me to introduce you to Tristyn David. He stole a piece of my heart last night at 7:32pm. He weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and is 22 inches long.

Lupron, New Nephew, and Everything Else

Long time, no blog I know I know! I have committed to two posts a week, at least. So don't worry, I won't leave you hanging again!

So I am about to get my third Lupron shot. It hasn't been too bad so far. I have had some hot flashes, night sweats, and some mood swings for sure. But I can't really tell if the mood swings are because of the shots or because of everything in general. My life seems to have been a roller coaster lately. I have always wanted nothing more than to be a mom....and that is the thing I am having to work hardest at. But I guess good things come to those who wait right? And hard work pays off?? We'll see. It is very very very hard not to be discouraged through this difficult time in my life, but it has brought me much closer to God and to my husband, so that is one positive thing that has come out of this so far. Hopefully within the next year I will be pregnant and have that to be positive about too! =)

Moving on to other things consuming my life, my "sister in law" (husband's little brother's girlfriend [18] ) is having her baby on Wednesday! Well...they are starting her on medicine on Tuesday night to induce her...so I guess it could be Tuesday or Wednesday! I am really excited about it, his name will be Tristyn David. I can't wait to meet him! And of course I will give details when he makes his arrival!

Everything else has been pretty normal I suppose. My step son finished Kindergarten last week. He is officially a first grader now. It is so hard to believe. I love him very much, I haven't shared a lot about him, but a post about that is coming very very soon =) My husband has been traveling a lot for work lately, so that hasn't been great...but absence makes the heart grow fonder...right? I am very ready for him to finish school so he can stop travelling so much! I don't like my job at all, but now that I am taking these shots I have to stay put...I am also ready for my husband to finish school so that I don't have to work anymore! I am not sure how all these women stay home and can afford things, but I am pretty sure it's because their husbands went to college!

Well that is what is going on with me right now! I can't wait to get back into the swing of things...I have so many exciting posts coming soon! Good night everyone!

Five Question Friday and More!

Thanks MamaM! What a good way to end the week! =)

1. Do you have an iPhone and, if so, how do you get apps and what are your favorites?

I don't have an iPhone...I'm still using a Razor! I'm so out of touch!!
2. What is your fondest memory of K-3rd grade?

Oh wow...umm probably playing softball...and sleepovers =)
3. What makes you cringe at the thought of touching?

Snakes, Alligators, cotton balls...I have texture issues people!
4. If you could have any celebrity show up on your doorstep who would it be and why?

Umm good question! Probably Hilarie(sp?) Burton from One Tree Hill...I have been watching that show since I was 15...my husband wants to name our little girl after her character because she reminds him of me =)
5. What would you say is your best physical feature?

My nose. I love it because allll my siblings and I have the same nose, and both my sisters have passed it on to their children...I hope my kids get it too!!

So now I will address the elephant in the room...do you love my new blog design!?! Melissa has been so helpful and I absolutley LOVE this new design...I have committed to at least two blog posts a week, and very shortly I will have a post updating everyone on my infertility journey! I am so excited...this super cute design has inspired me to get back into the kick of things!! Happy Friday everyone!!!

Five Question Friday!

It's been a while since I have done one but I'm back! Thanks MamaM!

1. Take your pick...date night, girls night out, or night out alone?

Date Night...I love spending time with my husband! He's amazing =)
2. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

No! But I can sniff my upper lip to where it's stuck to my nose...does that count for anything?
3. What is your favorite flower and why?

Star Gazer Lillies...because they are the first flowers my husband ever sent me for no reason =)
4. If you could go back in time, what advice would you give yourself?

Save yourself for your husband. Stupid.
5. If you won the lottery, what is the very first thing you would do?

Payoff my car and house. Then I would probably adopt a child

So I have been gone for a while...

Well folks I know I have been gone for a while, but it was definitley a good thing! I have been doing some serious soul searching anf trying really hard to get back to the person I really am, not the one everyone thinks I should be. Over the past few months I have started listening to pop music, pondering getting my nails done, gossiping, and skipping out on church. Now, not that listening to pop music or getting your nails done is a bad thing, it is well, just not me. I like country music for the most part and rock (which is strange but oh well) and I keep my nails short and tidy. So what's with me becoming this other person? Heck if I know. I guess sometimes I just feel like I need to be someone else in order for certain people to accept me. LIke the music I listen to, the clothes I wear, the things I do to my nails and hair, all of these things dealing with my appearance and material things.
But what really matters is what God, my husband, and my step son think about me. And that's pretty much it, and I can tell you right now that I know for a fact they like the real me better! So folks from here on out..you get the real me! Ha! =) So you better get ready because the real me is...well me.


P.S. I got an email a couple of days ago from the blog designer...remember that contest I won a while back? Oh it's soo cute! Can't wait for everyone to see it!!

How come no one goes dancing anymore?

http://news.yahoo.com/video/dallascbs11-15750646/local-94-year-old-gets-final-wish-a-waltz-19247565

What a sweet story and a simple request. If only everything was that simple. If only the world were a place where simple things meant something.

Five Question Friday!

1. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life?

Sandra Bullock - I love her, and she pretty much pulled me in with The Blind Side (see last post) I know she looks nothing like me...but still, she rocks. (and she is an awesome step-momma...and I can relate to that!)
2. Did you ever go to summer camp?

Yep - church camp every year...it was amazing.
3. What sends you running and screaming in the other direction?

Spiders. Bees. Mosquitoes..anything that flies and crawls and bites and/or stings. Yuck.
4. What is something you do that drives your spouse nuts?

I have eczema...so it drives him crazy when I itch it lol
5. What is currently your favorite song?

OMGosh...This is a tough one...I would say Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood. (yes I am a country girl... =) )

The Blind Side

So I watched this movie with my husband last night. I don't think I stopped crying throughout the whole movie. Some were sad tears, some were happy. It just really opened my eyes to some things.

Why do we take so much for granted? Why do I complain that I want a newer house when there are people, children, out there that don't even have a bed. It breaks my heart that people really have to live that way. But what can anyone do? You cannot change someone who doesn't want to change...as far as adults go. If they choose to spend all their money on crack or booze or cigarettes instead of food or shelter for their family, there is nothing I can do about that. But it's not so much the grown ups...because most grown ups can gets jobs. Flipping burgers at McDonald's is much better than doing drugs all day, and hey if I didn't have a job, I wouldn't be opposed to flipping burgers if that's what I needed to do to take care of myself and my family...it's the children. My dad told me once that you can't help who your parents are. You can't change it. And he was right. So what about all these poor children living in these situations? They can't change it either. And one day they will grow up and be adults. What will their life be like? Not everyone gets as lucky as Michael Oher. Often times they grow up and live the same lives their parents live. And it's sad and it breaks my heart. If only everyone was as lucky as Michael Oher. If only there were more people like the woman that helped him. She saw the child in him and wanted to change his life. And change his life she did.

I hope someday that I can change someone's life. And to those of you who have adopted, props to you. You don't get as much credit as you deserve. I really want to adopt (whether I can have kiddos or not) someday. When we are financially stable. The movie just showed me that skin color, background, environment....doesn't matter. That we need to love one another equally. And too often times, we overlook what really matters and go with the flow the rest of the world is going with. So be kind to one another, and remember that one day we will all be together anyways, so we might as well start getting along now =)

My Follow Up

Well today was my follow up after my Lap. It was what I expected, with a little pinch of worse. Does that even make sense?

Anyways, the Dr said I definitely have Endo (surprise surprise) and it's worse than what he thought...meaning it's in my left tube and also my uterine wall. So he wants to start me on the Lupron Depot shot for the next six months then he will see where I am with everything and go from there. He sounded positive about us being able to try in the fall. I sure hope he is right. He also said he fixed my uterus so it isn't heart shaped anymore...it's normal now. At least one thing is good!!

About this Lupron Depot...anyone ever been on it? The nurse told me it would put me in to a menopause like cycle (or lack of cycle) but that I would also have mood swings, hot flashes, night sweats and other things of the like because of this shot. This makes me a little nervous. But I have been trying to think about the end result here. And if after all of this, I can have a baby (or two) it will be worth it right?

I dunno...my mind is confused about everything, but I guess everything happens for a reason right?

A Monday Laugh

So on Friday, we took my step son to Blockbuster to rent a movie. As we were walking out, a man with cowboy boots and a big cowboy hat walked in. Now, we live in Oklahoma so this is a pretty normal thing to see. But my step son however, I guess has never seen such a thing. The conversation went like this...

Colton: "Oh my goodness Sarah look!"

Me: "What am I looking at Colton?"

Colton: "It's a real cowboy!!!!"



Happy Monday everyone!

Five Question Friday!

Do you like answering random questions about yourself? Well head over to My Little Life and start Five Question Friday on your blog!

1. Do you sing out loud in the car when you're driving?

Umm heck yes I do...! (if I am alone that is!)
2. What would you never be caught doing?

Definitely not doing Five Question Friday at work while I should be working!
3. Will you go #2 in a public restroom?

NO!!! Never!
4. Have you ever broken a bone?

Nope...which surprises me now that I think about it...
5. Do you prefer cooking or baking?

Baking! If I knew how to cook or felt "good" at it...I would probably like it more.

Back and Forth

Do you ever have a problem with making a decision? Pfft...I do. Every time I think my mind is made up...I change it! How on earth do I fix it? Two weeks ago I got my hair done, a little darker than I would normally go. Walked out of the salon loving it...two days later...I had pure hatred for my hair. So this past Saturday I got it done, again, to look how it looked before...so I could have avoided wasting my time and money with the whole darker do.



Now I feel the same about my job. I love the people I work with, and my job isn't horrible. But I am at work for 10 hours a day. Granted, one of those hours is lunch, but I usually stay here...so I'm not "technically" leaving. It pays okay, but not the best. And I am just concerned that when we have kids, I will be working here, and having to leave my kids at daycare for ten hours a day! While some people can do this..I don't think I am one of them...I will have to work, at least part time, and the work doesn't bother me...I just wish I could get off work earlier or something. But right now, I know I should be thankful to have a job at all right? So I feel confused as to what I should do. Eventually I would like to just stay home with our kids (or be a teacher if I follow through with school..but I'm not sure about that). Ultimately, my dream is to just stay home and raise my children. But in the mean time, I feel like I am stuck between and rock and a hard place! Once my husband finishes school...I will definitely be able to stay home...it's the mean time I am worried about...

So what do you do for a living? Are you happy with your job? If you stay home with your kids (which I do still consider full time work by the way..probably more work than most jobs!), did you have to make any sacrifices to be able to do this?

Busy Weekend

Wow...Monday got here so fast! My weekend was very busy. Thursday night and Friday night we had my stepson so we got enjoy time with him as usual, which is always a good thing! My sister brought my two nephews over to play with Colton on Friday night, I enjoyed getting to see her and my nephews. Then Saturday morning we went to his soccer game, they are so cute! Then my husband was having some of his buddies over to watch a UFC fight on Saturday night, so I got to go have dinner with one of my closest friends and her sister. We had a blast. I rarely go out with my friends, because well, we just don't have time. All my friends have children and we all work full time, so it makes getting together very difficult and a rare occasion. But we had so much fun!

Then Sunday came. Blah. My brother in law (who is 19) got his girlfriend pregnant and she is due in May. So guess what yesterday was? You guessed it, Baby Shower! (now don't even get me started how she just turned 18 and I don't agree with that but that is merely just my opinion) So we had this baby shower for her, and I am not going to lie, it was a little depressing! But I got over it quickly and thought to myself that my day will come, and when it does, it will be a good thing and I will feel so blessed and never have a negative thought about it.

Then my husband came home and we relaxed and watched The Celebrity Apprentice...we love that show at our house. We've never watched it before, but so far we like it! While it was so nice to see everyone and do so many fun things, I do not see how people run around like that every weekend...I couldn't do it! I was so exhausted last night I didn't even want to eat dinner! It was great to see everyone and make some new memories, but I am already looking forward to doing nothing this weekend. Let's pray this week goes by fast.

How was everyone else's weekend? Mine was super busy as you can tell, our weekends usually just consist of Colton! Happy Monday everyone!

P.S. I just checked out Chrissy's Blog... http://chrissyrenee79.blogspot.com/ and I won a blog makeover! Yay! I am so excited! (I never win anything) Thanks Chrissy!

And I think I have it bad....

So, unexpectedly my husband got to come home last night! I was very happy about that, and I slept sooo good laying next to him! I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and ready for a new day.

Then I read about Jeremiah. I do not even have the words to express how much this saddens me for this poor little boy and his family. You can read his story here : http://www.newson6.com/global/story.asp?s=12197993 .

While I myself plan on sending a donation to his family, that is not what I am asking you to do. I just would like you all to sit back and think about your life and how lucky you are to have what you have, and that all the troubles you have been through may have been hard, but I hoped a lesson came out of them. I hope and pray for Jeremiah that he can adapt to having these news things going on with his body, and that he will have the strength to continue doing good things. He looks so sweet and so happy, I just can't read his story without getting tears in my eyes. I too had meningitis when I was 7 months old, so this hits very close to home with me, and makes me realize how lucky I am.

Yesterday I wrote a post on how blah I was feeling because I was tired and cranky. I should be thanking God that I am alive, and well (for the most part) and that I have everything I do. So while I don't expect anyone to donate...because I would never ask for anyone's money, I know everyone seems to be struggling right now, but just find it in your heart to be thankful for everything you do have.

Blah

That is how I have felt the past few days. Friday I just slept all day. Then Saturday the same. Sunday I moved around a lot more, but still mostly just relaxed. Monday was MUCH better...I was up and around and even picked me step son up from school. I heart him so much. He just makes me so darn happy! But then he left off to school yesterday and back to Mommy's house. Then my husband had to leave for two days for work. So I have been feeling REALLY blah and sad these past couple of days. I am sure it is just my hormones and everything from the surgery, yesterday morning I had a meltdown on my poor husband before he left for out of town. I just cried and said I didn't want him to leave and I didn't understand why he would want to be with a woman who had all these issues, when he could just be with one who could get pregnant right away...easy peasy. He said I don't care about what I could have with anyone else, I love you. And while it made me feel better, he still left and I am still feeling blah and insecure.

Anyone else ever feel like this? I am sure it will pass. And I am sure it's my hormones. You see right in the middle of all this recovery, I started. Yes Aunt Flo showed her face. And it's horrible this time because it's what a period is supposed to be like, not like any I've ever had before! But the Dr said it would be that way.

So I don't mean to throw myself a pity party...but just getting these feelings out makes me feel better. Thanks for listening!!

Well....

Hello everyone! I survived the surgery! Not near as bad as I thought it would be...but still in no way fun or what I had in mind for this weekend.

Anyways, my Dr removed all the Endo except it is inside my left tube. He couldn't get in there without doing damage, so in two weeks I will start medication to rid my tube of this nasty stuff! My right tube was super...so that is good news. He also found that my uterus is shaped like a heart, not a triangle. So he had to go in and snip part of my uterus in order for it to be shaped like a triangle, because otherwise I would miscarry should I ever get pregnant. But the outcome wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear.

The medicine he is going to give me will stop my cycles while I am on it. But I guess that will be okay, considering the Dr said he won't be comfortable with us trying for six months. He said his main concern is where he snipped my uterus. He wants us to wait six months before we try again because he wants to be sure it healed properly, because you guessed it, it can heal back into a heart shape! He said it's rare, but anything is possible with my silly body.

So...this was definitely a surgery that was needed. I'm not exactly thrilled with the outcome, but I am over-joyed to finally have some answers. It's amazing how much can change in two weeks. I am trying to think positive about everything. If nothing else, this is definitely teaching me patience.

So...Patient I will be.

Nervous and Hungry

Well everyone...tomorrow is the big day! Which means I am nervous. It also means I could only eat breakfast this morning. Only liquid type foods until noon, only clear liquid after that. And today is my long day at work. Bah Humbug I should have taken today off. Anyway...I am very nervous for what they might find tomorrow. I think I am more nervous about that than I am the actual surgery itself, but I have been praying and God has given me a lot of peace about the whole situation. Everyone here has also helped tremendously. I can't thank you all enough for your prayers and encouragement.

Well...until tomorrow everyone.

Wish me luck and say your prayers! Thanks SO much!

Pre-Op

Sooo....I had my pre-op yesterday. And now I am starting to get nervous. I hate the though of being "put under"...but hey if this helps me get pregnant....I will do whatever it takes! I have to be at the hospital Friday at 6:15 AM...surgery will start around 7:15 or 7:30, and could last up to two hours, but may not last that long. It just depends what they find in there! My Dr said that he will take pictures with the scope inside, and he will go out and show my husband and talk to him and tell him what they found. Then after I "come to" he will come in and explain everything to me. I am just praying that this is the blessing we have been waiting for. I have been praying a lot, and hoping a lot.

When you say your prayers...please include my husband and I as we go through this. I hope this surgery will lead us to have a little one.

I hope it is finally our time.

Thanks again everyone, it means the world.

GiVeAwAy!

One of these days I might do a giveaway from ME. But hey it's not always about me! Today it's about this wonderful woman!! ....

http://just4crows.blogspot.com/2010/03/contest-contest-contest.html

She is giving away a free blog makeover! So go post a comment and follow her...because her blog is SUPER cute!

hint-hint...I really wish she had a button for me to grab =)

This is where it gets ugly

So I have been thinking a lot lately. And doing some soul searching. And thinking. And I have thought about many things, mostly things about myself (I know how selfish right?) But most of the things I have been thinking of are things I would like to change. What's the biggest issue I have that I would like to change? Well let me tell you...it is....

Jealousy.

I know it's a horrible thing to be. And I hate it. I really do.

And what exactly am I jealous of? People with kids. Women who get to stay home and not work. Women who know how to cook. People who get off at 4:00. People with huge beautiful homes. People with super nice cars. People who seem to "have it all".

We all know people like this don't we? I know I do. Everyone around seems to be like that, have everything they ever wanted. But then I stop to think about it. And I wouldn't trade my life for the world. I have the best husband in the world (in my opinion ladies, calm down), a wonderful step son who fortunately I have a great relationship with, a beautiful house, and a decent car.

But here's where it gets tricky for me. The kid - not mine. The house - not huge/new. The car - not a Range Rover.

So when I see people that have all these, I focus so much on what I don't have that I forget to focus on what I do have. The other thing is, I don't know what those people have gone through to get what they have. Maybe years of hard schooling, maybe working 12 hour days everyday, maybe having to sacrifice time with their family. And then I am back to being thankful for what I have, and remembering to tell myself that I am only 22. I feel like a 35 year old trapped in the body of a 22 year old.

So my goal is to stop being so jealous, stop worrying about material things. Stop caring who has nicer things or more kids than I do. My day will come, and I will feel so blessed when it does.

It's very hard to admit these types of things. Especially on here where anyone and everyone can read it. But I did it. I admit that sometimes, I get jealous. But I am also letting everyone know right now, that I know it isn't right and I plan on fixing it. I have a great life, and it is the life God has given me, and for that alone i should be thankful.

So I am.

Remember Vintage Pearl?

Well she is doing ANOTHER give away! Yep that's right...so head on over to her blog and check it out! This stuff is soo cute!

Five Question Friday!

Feeling like being honest on this lovely Friday? Well click the button on the side to go to My Little Life to get the link for Five Question Friday! And have fun!

1. How much time do you spend on the computer a day?

Way too much! I sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day at work, then go home and usually get on the computer before bed!

2. Will you pay for your children's college or raise them to pay for their own way?

We will try to pay for it as much as possible, I know how helpful it would have been for us to have someone pay for it! But we will also teach them how to save and spend $$ responsibly.

3. Have you ever been in a car accident?

Yes three. The first one, I wrecked my dad's truck into his shed with my friend when I was 13! (No, he wasn't very happy) The next one, when I was 17, someone ran a stop sign and totaled my car! And the last one was just a fender bender! Luckily I was never hurt in any of them!

4. What is your favorite book?

The Pact by Jodi Picoult. Love it.

5. Do you make your bed everyday?

No, my husband is usually still in bed when I leave for work! (and no he doesn't usually make it lol) Although every once in a blue moon I come home and the bed is made...very nice!

I can't believe I haven't told you about...

My best Valentine's day ever!

Let me just give you some background info real quick - My husband and I did not have a wedding. We simply went to the court house and got married. No family, no friends. Just him and I. Sooo....of course...we never had our first dance. Which brings me to Valentine's Day 2010.

I worked all day and we usually get my step son every Friday. I got off work...like normal. Went home...like normal. I expected to see my husband and step son.

Not the case.

My husband wasn't even home. But what did I find when I walked in the garage door?

I walked in to a dining room with roses on it, a box, and a note. I open the note and it says "hey baby I wanted this to be your best Valentine's Day ever, so open your gift, put it on and I will be home soon". (I know what you are thinking but this post is all PG, I promise!) I opened the box, it was a dress, a cocktail dress. A pretty little black one. My first thought is oh no I need to shave my legs! So i hurry to the bathroom, shave my legs, and get my dress on just in time to hear my husband come inside. He went to my favorite restaurant and got us salad and meals. Yummy. I was so distracted by shaving my legs, getting on my dress, and updating my make up that I hadn't noticed the rest of the house.

After we ate, he walked me into our back living room. Are you ready for this? He went to Lowe's...bought wood paneling...and built a dance floor in the middle of the living room. OMGosh right? He even went as far to make a CD with songs on it that reminded him of me. It was great. Beautiful.

The last song came on and I said "this song reminds me the most of you" and he said me too, I wanted to save the best for last.

So just like Kenny Chesney said in his song...Babe - You Save Me. Everyday.

And the winner is....Endometriosis!

That's right everyone. This new fabulous, wonderful, caring, awesome Dr diagnosed me with it yesterday. How did my regular docs miss this one? He says I have all the symptoms (they are very mild though).

So where do I go from here? Surgery. Next Friday. They are going to go in and remove all the spots of Endometriosis and then all should be well! He said as soon as I heal we can start trying again. He said from the ultra-sound they did yesterday that my ovaries look really good and that everything looked like it was in working order. They will also test my tubes at that time to see if they are blocked at all. And if they are, they will remove the blockage.

So what does this mean!?!? That I'm excited! I'm not totally excited about having Endometriosis, but really who is? I am just glad that I finally know the problem, and that they want to start working towards fixing it.

I will definitely keep everyone updated on how everything goes. I really like this new Dr. He said we will do whatever it takes to get me a little bun in the oven! So I cannot wipe the smile off my face at the thought that this actually might happen! And thank goodness I went to the Dr right!?! Otherwise...I would have never known and it would have never happened!

Thanks again for all the support. It means the world.

God Bless everyone and smiles!!!!!!!

Long time no blog...But I have news!

It has been a while since I blogged. But that is because I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of sould searching. I've really been trying to figure out my life, get my priorties strait and realize what really matters to me, vs. what everyone else thinks should matter!

So...you may remember the discussion I had on MckMama's community about whether or not I should go to a fertility Dr. Everyone said I should go. I felt I should go too, but that also meant admitting something was wrong. And that was very hard for me to do. BUT in admitting something is wrong, I have made an appointment! I go today at 10:30 for my first fertility appointment with this new Dr. My mom ran into a woman she knows at the grocery store. And of course, my mom tells everyone my business...so she tells this woman that my husband and I are having problems getting pregnant and all that good stuff...so this woman says oh my son and his wife had this problems getting pregnant. So she starts going on and on about this Dr they went to, and how they tried for two years and then after going to this Dr they have three kids now! WoW! So I called yesterday and they just so happen to have a cancellation today! I am so excited to get this process started! I have tried to push all the negative out of my mind and think really positive about this!

So please everyone...say your prayers because today is a big day for me! Step 1 to becoming a mommy! (I just love how that sounds =) )

There will be an update later on how it went, what they did, and what they are going to do! Thanks for all the support you all have given to me through all of this. It means more than any of you could ever know.

16 & Pregnant

Really?

I watch the show, I'm not going to lie. Because since trying to conceive I am obsessed with all things babies. =)

But seriously. I get that there is some sort of epidemic or something like that causing all these teenagers to get pregnant, but it almost seems like everyone is trying to glamorize the idea of having a baby while in high school. It's ridiculous. And to be honest...I have to question it. Why?

Why can all these 16 year old girls go out and get pregnant in a bad situation but here I am happily married and I can't? I just don't understand. I know it sounds selfish of me to ask such a question. But why?

I don't honestly feel like anyone is capable of caring for a child when they are that age. I do think that some girls can change their ways and become a good mom, but I don't think at 16, anyone is ready for a baby.

But then I guess I am 21, happily married, stable home and income, and someone thinks I'm not ready either. So this is merely just my opinion.

I am just curious to find out what anyone else thinks about 16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom, The Pregnancy Pact, and others things of the like. Does it seem like they were glamorizing the idea of having a baby? Did you have kids at a VERY young age? Was it easy for you at all? These are questions I find myself asking, and questions I think every teenage girl should ask before thinking that getting pregnant at such a young age is a good idea...What do you think?

Give-away! (not from me though) =)

I first heard of the vintage pearl from my mom I think, then I saw it on MckMama's blog...then I got this email today about a give-away they are doing! I got a necklace from them for Christmas from my hubby...a little copper bird with two pearl eggs =) (still working on that egg part hehe)

Anyways, they make really cute custom stuff, SO...check it out! right now!

http://thevintagepearl.blogspot.com/

I just don't get it.

Have you ever had that feeling that you were meant to do something? Like you could do it and be great at it? Well...that is how I feel about being a mom. I have been around children my entire life, worked in daycares, lived in an in home daycare after my parents divorced. I am great with my step son and my nephews. So what the heck gives?



In case this hasn't crossed your mind yet, I got my monthly visitor. Yes, the evil witch has shown. I strongly dislike her and wish she would just go away for about nine months.



But really. I do not understand. Last Saturday we went to my nephew's birthday party. He's turning four, so we took my step son as well. We got there and they immediately ran off to play of course, then someone handed me my other four month old nephew. His dad handed him to me actually, because he was getting fussy. So, I make him a bottle, feed him, burp him, and he's alseep on my chest for the rest of the party. At one point I looked up and my husband was just staring at me. And I could tell what he was thinking. He was thinking the same thing I was. That I would be a good mom and he loved the sight of seeing a baby in my arms. Ugh. I just wanted to say see I am good at it, I can do it! Throughout the party I could feel the emotions coming. But I held them back and told myself it was wrong to be jealous. So I tried to not be jealous.

But I was. When we left, we took my step son to his Mommy, who he hadn't seen in the past couple days because he had been with us. He was happy to see her. She hugged him, and he hugged back. And they missed each other. And the emotions were back. And my husband knew it.

So with a sad look on my face he asked what was wrong. And I said nothing. And he said it's because we were at that birthday party with all those kids huh. And I said yes and that I didn't want to be jealous or sad but that I was, and sometimes you just can't help how you feel. And he said it's okay I understand. And I started crying and said no you don't understand, you already have a child, you don't want it the same way I do. And I started a fight. Not a bad one, just one that seems to come up alot. No worries...we're okay now. =)
But why do I let this happen? It's like the idea of getting pregnant and having a baby have taken over my entire life. I never wanted it to be this way. Ever. But for whatever reason it doesn't change. Is it my fault? Is it just because I haven't went to the Dr? Do I just not deserve a child? I don't know the answer.
Did you have these questions? And what was you're answer? How far did you take it?

My Infertility Story...So far

I have a lot of "so far's" don't I?





Beware: I share a lot of information in this post. Some readers may view it as TMI....So read at your own risk!





Anyways. My husband and I have been "trying" for about two years, but having unprotected sex for four years. And he has a son, so at one point he was capable of producing children. SO here we are, on this journey, struggling to figure things out. I have never had an abnormal pap, never any problems or anything. I started Birth Control when I was 15 until I was 18 (right before we got married). My cycles are regular 27-28 day cycles, OPK's give me a little + every month. So what gives? Heck if I know.

I got frustrated and went to the Dr back in October. They attempted to do an HSG test. So I go in, hopes high, and they can't do the test. They tried, but apparently (here comes the TMI) my cervix is too small to even to the test! Sooo....they said oh no worries we'll just do it next month! It's not like I had my hopes up, that they would do this test, and my tube would be blocked, the test would unblock it, and I would get pregnant and have a baby right? Yeah so after this discouraging trip to the Dr I decided I quit! I decided hey people always say "just don't think about it, it will happen", well these are all people who a) already have kids or b) don't care if they ever have kids. Because let me tell you, once you "try" to have a baby, you can't get it out of your head until you have a baby. So I've been "not worrying", and "not thinking about it" but guess where that got me? Yep you're right...nowhere.

So now I will keep "not worrying" until the summer. Then when summer comes, we are going to go to the Dr's....full on. Until I have a baby and give birth! I am determined for this to happen. I know I have it in me to be a good mom, I just need to become a mom to prove that. So come follow me on this infertile journey of mine...

Have you ever struggles with infertility? What did you do that finally helped you get pregnant?

Please...do tell....I'm willing to try anything

Most Defining Moment...So far.....

Well, this defining moment has been the one to change me the most. And I remember this one! It was when I met my husband, the second time. I never thought at 16, I would find the love of my life, become a "step-mom", and fall head over heals for the man (boy at the time) of my dreams. But God had plans for me. Big plans.
So there it was, I saw him, our eyes met, and we fell in love. And we lived happily ever after, right? Well yeah, eventually.
See, when we started dating, his ex-girlfriend was still pregnant with my step son. So you can imagine at 16 and 17 how well all of us were dealing the situation. She hated me and well, let's face it, the feeling was mutual. I mean come on...I could lie and say I wasn't jealous and didn't feel every other negative emotion towards her...but I don't lie.
So about a month after we had been dating and LOTS of drama later, I decided, scratch this idea. So i tried to break up with him. And I did. For like a day. He was really angry and told me some things he had never told anyone before, and that he had never felt the way he felt about me. And I told him I was scared. I didn't know how to deal with a child, a baby mama(hehe), or anything else that seemed to come up. But he wouldn't let me give up. He had a faith in me that no one ever had before, no one.
So we stuck it out for the long run, we will have been together for 6 years in July, my step son will be five in August, and we'll be married 4 years in November.
See, meeting him the second time is truly what made me who I am today. I believe in myself. I am the best step-mom I can be. I'm a great wife. I understand every side of him. Good or bad side, I love him no matter what. He has brought me closer to God. He has taught me that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. He helped me change, for the better.He helped me become the woman I so badly wanted to be, but without him, I never would be who I am today.

And for that, I am forever grateful.

Defining Moments...Take Two

The second defining moment of my life happened when I was about two (yes, another defining moment that I don't remember). Remember when I was a baby and I had spinal meningitis? And other baby things come up? Well it just so happens that my mom was doing it all by herself. My "dad" decided he didn't want to own up to what he had done, so at 19 my mom was raising me all alone, spinal meningitis and all.

But when I was about two my mom had been dating this guy for a while, and he loved me. And it just so happens that I loved him (and I still do). He always tells me that he remembers "falling in love with my big green eyes".

After my mom moved in with him, they decided to make us an official family. He adopted me. This twenty two year old guy, who probably wasn't planning on having kids for a while, adopted me. Me. So my "biological father" gave up his rights. (Note: he has five other kids that he did not give his rights up to) So it was official. I had a Daddy. And I loved him. And he was my best friend.

Without this man, I wouldn't be who I am today. It's amazing how I have none of his genes, yet I am just like him in so many ways. He taught me how to go fishing, what good music was, that I wasn't always right, that things wouldn't always go my way. That boys were bad news. You know, things all Dad's teach their daughters.

So to this day, I still have a Dad. And I love him very much. And I am ever so grateful that he adopted me. And loved me the way I deserved my Dad to love me.

Defining Moments

How many defining moments do you have in your life? I believe I have more than one. So for the next few days I am going to share them with you. Day by day. I am going to start with the moment that started when I was young, and work my way up. So...

Moment 1: (or 21 days..keep reading)
When I was 7 months old, I was really sick. At first, it was an ear infection. No biggie right? A lot of babies get ear infections...well WRONG. It was indeed NOT an ear infection. After running a high fever and crying my eyes out (as my mom says...because let's face it I don't remember this but it's important) my mom rushed me to the ER. Not much later, the Dr came and told my mom the problem.
I had spinal meningitis. At 7 months old, I had just started getting hair. The last time my mom saw me, I had hair. The next time she saw me I was in an incubator with a shaved head that had IV's coming out of it. Fast forward about two weeks. I had been in the hospital all this time, and my mom was unable to hold me, or even touch me. They finally let her rock me in the rocking chair in my nursery away from my nursery. As she rocked me, I started to scream, she looked down and blood was everywhere. She had accidentally pulled the IV out of my head. It turned out to be okay, I was fine (well not fine but you know). They had told my mom that meningitis can cause many many health problems, and that most babies didn't survive it. It could cause blindness. It could cause one to go deaf. But I made it through all of these. I lived.
I went home from the hospital and all was fine. Of course I was a sickly child because the antibiotics they had to give me destroyed what little immune system I had. But I lived.
I know it's hard to think about a defining moment (or 21 days) that you don't even remember. But when I hear my mom tell this story it gives me goosebumps. And it helped me realize something when I thought about writing this post. I came out fighting.
From the beginning my life was and is a challenging battle. But it is a battle that I refuse to give up on. One day when the war is over and my battles have been lost, at least I will know I went out fighting too.

Couldn't have said it better myself....

For those of you who read http://www.mycharmingkids.net/, MckMama's husband has started blogging himself! His post today was wonderful ( I mean who doesn't want to hear about how much a man loves his wife?) But at the end of his post, he put in a Bible verse that hit home with me today....


1 Peter 3:2-5...
when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.

When I read this, I had to stop and think about it for a moment (or two). So many of us women (and some men) get up everyday, dressed our best, make up our face, put on our jewelry and feel stunning as we leave for our day. But I know from my perspective, if I were to get up get out of bed, shower, get dressed (no fancy/expensive clothes), no make up and walk out the door, I would not feel the same about myself as if I did on a normal get up and get ready day. But how I am on the inside never changed. So what gives?

Maybe because we as humans rely on flattery from others to boost our confidence sometimes. Or maybe that's just me. But I like it better when I go to work and someone says "Oh you look so cute today" much better than I like it when someone says "wow you look tired". Okay thanks why didn't you just say I look horrible today buddy? Anyhoo...so I am challenging myself to rely only on what I think about myself. And what God and my husband thinks. I need to remember it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, as long as I know I am beautiful on the inside, then nothing else should matter. So next time I see a cute shirt, or purse, or anything material, I am going to ask myself....Do I want this so other people will compliment it or do I want it because I like it. And if I like it, I just might purchase it, But if it is something that I don't need or that maybe I don't like but I know my friends or co-workers will...I'm going to put it back!

Just remember ladies...we are women of God, and we are all beautiful in many ways. Don't let material things, or the way the world can be sometimes to overwhelm you. I often think if I have a nice car, nice house, nice clothes, then people will think better of me, or something. But at the end of the day, I lay in bed with the same man, and pray to the same God, regardless of where I am or what I have on. And in the end, those are the opinions that mean the most.


Sarah Y

Work for a living or Living for work?

I always imagined I would finish High School go to college while living at home, get my degree and a steady career, then get married and have kids. Somewhere along the way that all changed. Maybe it was because I suddenly wasn't comfortable living in my home with my parents, or maybe because I ran into the man of my dreams, or maybe I just had no idea what life was going to throw at me. So here I am, four years after graduating high school. I am married, a stepmom, working full time, and going to school. My Husband and I work to afford our home that we enjoy so much together. But juggling everything is difficult. I want a baby desperatley, but sometimes I question myself, could I handle one more thing? But then I think, people do it all the time. And who is to say that when I have a child of my own that I will care about getting a degree? The more I think about it, the more I would like to be a stay home mom, running five kids to school everyday and things of the like. But I have to be a mom to do that. And stay home. So right now I just work and go to school and everything else to keep my mind occupied. Thinking too much, is just as bad as not thinking at all, I think. So what do you do? Do you go to school or work or have kids? Or all of the above? How have your views on life changed as you have gotten older and gotten married and had children? Mine have change alot, and continue to change everyday. But how do you know what's right? Do you just "feel" it, or go with the flow? Or do you make it happen?

Questions for Friday 2/12/10

1. What is the one thing your love does for you that you can't live without?

He gives the most wonderful massages, and always knows how to brighten my days =)

2. When did you know your love was "the one"?

The moment I saw him walk out the door at the movie theater...If you don't know what I am talking about...refer to the posts below! =)

3. Does your love have a special ringtone on your cell?

Of course, "My Only One" by Yellowcard

4. What are you attracted to most in your special someone?

His smile and his eyes, and of course his big muscles =)

5. Did you know when/where he/she was going to pop the big question?

I had no idea, I was shocked, but HAPPY!!!!

Happy Friday everyone!

Time to.....

Meet my family!
I figured once you start reading, you will want to put a face to the name of everyone I mention! So here are the three people you will hear about most!...
The handsom man on the very left is the man of my dreams, my husband Cameron. The little guy in the middle is Colton, my step son, and then on the right is me, Sarah.





The three of us make a pretty great family, and we all work well together if I do say so myself! My husband and I (and Colton at this point) cannot wait to add a fourth person to our family, but all in good time it will happen!
So...it was nice meeting everyone and I can't wait to meet your families! This is one of my favorite family pictures, because it is very "us". Do you have favorite family pictures? If so, share! Happy photo finding!

More on That Later..Remember?

Remember in my first post when I said I will tell you more on that later? Well guess what...it's later!

When I was 12, my world revolved around the skating rink. Friday nights were the highlight of my life. Jam skates, couple skates, you name it, I loved it. If I didn't get to go...due to being grounded or something of that nature, trust me it was the end of the world.
One particular Friday night, a group of boys showed up that had never been there before. They were from the city 20 minutes aways from the small town I lived in. He was cute. And funny. And nice. And wonderful. And I had a boyfriend. Of course, at 12 my boyfriend and I weren't serious...after all the most serious we were was a couple skate of course. But I was not willing to break up with him to see how good this new guy could couple skate. So instead, I gave new guy my phone number. I thought I would see how this went. So we talked on the phone, probably more than I talked to my boyfriend at the time. He kept telling me to be his girlfriend, but I refused! Eventually, the calls came and went less and less. And we just stopped talking.
I didn't really think about him much, every once in a while I heard his name and thought hmm wonder how he is but never acted on it.

Fast forward four years. I was 16, and driving. Since I was driving, I was job hunting! My small town had nothing to offer as far as jobs go, so I drove to the city 20 minutes away. I applied at what seemed like a million places, but none of them called. About a week later I get a call from the movie theater. They wanted to set up an interview. I was ecstatic. It was going to be my first interview and I couldn't wait. The day of my interview I got all dressed up and showed up to the movie theater 15 minutes early. The girl got on her walky talky and said "Cameron can you come get Sarah and take her upstairs for her interview". I thought nothing about it. Out steps the most handsome boy I have ever seen. He is tall, muscular and has long shaggy blonde hair. OMG it's him...the boy from the skating rink that I would never go out with...why was I so dumb? We met each other's eyes but not a word was said. I ended up getting the job, and we would pass by each other when working, but neither of us had said anything yet. So one night, standing at the ice machine, filling a bucket of ice, he offers to help as he walks by. Of course I need help, I need a strong handsome guy to lift this thing! So I say "do you remember me" and he says "yes" and that was it.

We started talking, then started dating. It was perfect. I loved him. He loved me. We were wonderful together and couldn't get enough of each other. Two years later, my senior year in high school, he took me to a local church that displays Christmas lights. It was a cold night and we got to the lit up bridge, it was beautiful. He hugged me and said he loved me and I said I loved him and he asked if I would love him forever, and I said yes. So he got down on his knee, in front of everyone and asked me to marry him. I said Yes again.
This boy that I refused to couple skate with had turned into the man of my dreams.

Almost four years later we are married and wanting to start out own family.

It was fate.

My First Post

Hello! In writing this post, I am unsure as I type what it might be about. Through this blog I plan to share my story of life with you. I have been told many times, the stories of my life could be written in a book. Sometimes, the way things work out, makes me feel like it is a book. I got married when I was 18, my step son was born when I was 17. At 17 I wasn't ready to be a step mom but I did what I thought was right at the time, and 5 years later I am so happy I did! My husband and I got married November 1, 2006. That was the third best day of my life! The first best day was meeting him of course, the second best day was running into him again on a whim 4 years later (more on that later) and then of course the day we got married changed our lives forever. Things haven't been perfect in my life, far from it actually but I can't wait to share my story with you! My title is Everyone's Sarah for a reason, to my husband, I am Sarah. To my step son, I am Sarah. To my parents and siblings, I am Sarah. The one name I cannot wait to be called is Mommy! My husband and I have been trying to have a baby of our own for about two years now. I love him more than anything, and want nothing more than to have a family with him. It is just not God's will for that to happen. We are being patient and trying our hardest not to stress about...but that isn't as easy as it sounds! I really hope you will follow this blog, I think you will find my life very interesting and I cannot wait to get your input about the struggles in my life, infertility, struggles in your life, parenting, working, and going to school. So please, follow me, give your advice, your criticism, and love! I cannot wait to get this started!