This past year has been one heck of a roller coaster ride for my husband and I. We have went through a lot of struggles, mostly dealing with infertility. So this is my first cycle after getting off the Lupron and birth control and after having my HSG test done earlier this month. I told myself I would test this morning because today is the first day I would be able to get a positive. I've been feeling for a while now like I was about to start, but I thought hey the symptoms are kind of the same so why not? Well of course, it was negative. I just had it all figured out in my mind that it would've been the perfect Christmas for my husband and I if I found out I was pregnant today, what a blessing it would be. But then I wasn't. And part of me blames myself because I feel like I set myself up to feel this way. I just thought that the timing of everything lined up perfectly so I had to be pregnant. Wrong. Then I thought to myself, if I'm not supposed to get pregnant right now, I won't, right?
I have a hard time with that statement. Because I see so many teen girls and women who are addicted to substances or have other problems getting pregnant all the time. And I have to ask myself, how can someone who can't even drive a car get pregnant, but I can't? How can someone who is addicted to meth get pregnant, but I can't?
And I realize this might be a little dramatic since it's only the first month we've been able to "try" but it still hurts. It still bothers me. So I read a post from another blogger (Hi SIF!) today, and it seems as though we're in the same place with our thoughts. Trying to figure out, how do we just live our life and have fun and accept what we have been given so far? How do I let go and let God? I can't figure it out. I feel like all I can think about is having a baby, or what I can do to increase my chances, what I should eat, drink, etc... So how on earth do I fix this? How do I get back to just enjoying my life and living it without worrying about the baby thing? I have no idea where to even start. But I know I need to get there, and soon because I can't keep setting myself up like this. And my poor husband needs it too, so we can have a normal relationship and have fun and enjoy each other again.
I just want my life back. My happy, less worry filled life.