Friday, February 26, 2010

I just don't get it.

Have you ever had that feeling that you were meant to do something? Like you could do it and be great at it? Well...that is how I feel about being a mom. I have been around children my entire life, worked in daycares, lived in an in home daycare after my parents divorced. I am great with my step son and my nephews. So what the heck gives?

In case this hasn't crossed your mind yet, I got my monthly visitor. Yes, the evil witch has shown. I strongly dislike her and wish she would just go away for about nine months.

But really. I do not understand. Last Saturday we went to my nephew's birthday party. He's turning four, so we took my step son as well. We got there and they immediately ran off to play of course, then someone handed me my other four month old nephew. His dad handed him to me actually, because he was getting fussy. So, I make him a bottle, feed him, burp him, and he's alseep on my chest for the rest of the party. At one point I looked up and my husband was just staring at me. And I could tell what he was thinking. He was thinking the same thing I was. That I would be a good mom and he loved the sight of seeing a baby in my arms. Ugh. I just wanted to say see I am good at it, I can do it! Throughout the party I could feel the emotions coming. But I held them back and told myself it was wrong to be jealous. So I tried to not be jealous.

But I was. When we left, we took my step son to his Mommy, who he hadn't seen in the past couple days because he had been with us. He was happy to see her. She hugged him, and he hugged back. And they missed each other. And the emotions were back. And my husband knew it.

So with a sad look on my face he asked what was wrong. And I said nothing. And he said it's because we were at that birthday party with all those kids huh. And I said yes and that I didn't want to be jealous or sad but that I was, and sometimes you just can't help how you feel. And he said it's okay I understand. And I started crying and said no you don't understand, you already have a child, you don't want it the same way I do. And I started a fight. Not a bad one, just one that seems to come up alot. No worries...we're okay now. =)
But why do I let this happen? It's like the idea of getting pregnant and having a baby have taken over my entire life. I never wanted it to be this way. Ever. But for whatever reason it doesn't change. Is it my fault? Is it just because I haven't went to the Dr? Do I just not deserve a child? I don't know the answer.
Did you have these questions? And what was you're answer? How far did you take it?


  1. I'm not trying to have a child right now, but I'm already feeling the urge to procreate. I wouldn't feel bad about being jealous, I'd prolly be feeling the exact same way.

    Both my mom and her mom had miscarriages at some point during their attempts to have babies. after my mom's miscarriage I didn't come along until almost 13 YEARS later.

    I don't think it's about being deserving, maybe the time just isn't right. I can say to hang in there, but I'm sure that's much easier said than done!

  2. j.l.n. - thanks for the encouragement, I'm sorry to hear that about your mom, and she must have been patient to wait 13 years!!! That makes me waiting for two seem like nothing!! I try to tell myself it's not about being deserving, it just get's so hard when I feel like the time is right you know?

  3. you sound like you could use a break...and some free jewelry, lol!

  4. Hang in there. Miracles can happen. I had a cousin with ovarian cysts and she was told she'd never have babies...well, after a successful surgery she got pregnant. I also have a sister-in-law that could NOT get pregnant. The Doctor was just about to tell her that she was infertile when her blood test came back positive and she was already expecting. It's all in the Lord's time, and sometimes that is not fast enough. Good things will happen. You sound like a great person.

  5. haha j.l.n. - I could use some jewelry...or a hair accessory!

    BarbaraJo - thank you for the encouragement. It's nice to hear stories with good endings! It gives me some hope!

  6. Oh goodness. I could have written everything you just did... down to the fight with your husband. I've had the same one with mine.

    You're so much more patient than I am! I was at the Dr after about 4 months not conceiving (although I knew I had some thyroid issues). It's a long frustrating journey but I have faith that at the end of it we'll get our lil babies. :)

  7. Yes it is very hard, but I try and remember God has a plan for me, even if I don't agree with it! I just really hope God thinks I need kids! =)